Redefining my life................

Well, I don't know about all the others, but i am into this phase of wanting to redefine for some time now and kind of stuck. not content with the way things are now, but too lazy to make radical changes............ kind of living my life by being diligent in a minimalistic way.

BEING DILIGENT IN A MINIMALISTIC WAY - have caught on to this phrase from a Formula 1 story on Ralf Schumacher, and of course the context is totally different, but yes, it can be applied to me right now.

I do not know how this phase started, but for a few years now, i've kind of drifted along, not acquired any new skills, not expanded my comfort zones, jut made do with what i have. Dabbled here and there, but never put my heart into anything.......and you know, this can result in slow, easy death of one's faculties.

Doing my best to come out of it, thought blogging would be one possibility I could explore, to do away with my stage fright when talking to an online faceless audience; give my opinions with conviction, stop feeling that i am not good enough for this or that.........and that there is a space for all to co-exist.

You don't follow my drift, hey, u are not supposed to, right, it is my stream of consciousness( Virginia Woolf style), constant pitter-patter of my thoughts, unedited, scrambled, running from one point to another, jumping time, continents, flitting here-there like a giant monarch............ random, erratic, pulsating, etc, etc,whew!!!!.

Which makes me think, when will i ever be content with the way i am, and accept situations as they are, instead of trying to fight, resist, sulk, cry, or be obsessed about things beyond my control.

Honestly, do u think I'm verbose, i think so with all these words, but look -that's my style, and all those buyers at gaf had better acknowledge and appreciate that, which other market trades at $2 for a 500-worder. am venting my angst at some service cartel i did some work for now and then...and like always have a pointer or two for all my employers if only they have the good sense to take it - in the right spirit! all employers seek to exploit, that is the cardinal rule and selling your soul till age 60 - well, the world seems to be ok with that!

ok, there i go again, all over the place and yet nowhere!!! bet u don't even know who i am. idea is, u don't need to or maybe want to. tell me something about urself - i find that the most difficult question in any situation, a job interview, a general introduction, profile qn....

there is no me, as in me is this, that, and that. me is changing, me is a daughter, me is a wife, me is a mother, me is a friend - most of the times. me is nice, friendly, ambitious, lazy, meticulous, crazy, rebel! me is a book lover, slapdash home maker, me is a good cook. me is spiritual, me is out of shape, me is struggling with french!!!!

but maybe just then, me wants to be free of definitions, absolute of all earthly relations, conventions! me wants to be unchained, liberated, free, rise above all ties, expectations! so, in that second or minute, me is (shrug) perplexed, me gives out a few adjectives and gets done with it!!!!

so, as i was saying, redefining is not as easy as you may think it is. There are so many things to consider that I just go around in circles. or i spread myself too thin. imagine attempting to take care of an energetic 7 month old, and learnign French, as well as trying to understand the basics of software testing (for lack of anything else)....... and of course managing household chores, keeping the wooden floors dust and blemish free......... You have no idea just how much dust can enter into a house with double glazed windows and which is kept shut like a matchbox in the face of some crazy climatic conditions in this place. Cleaning cannot be skipped at any cost.

Well, of course then, redefining kind of takes a back seat, maybe its not the right time yet, i think, as i once again juggle between spontaneous dancing (to keep baby amused) and mind the spluttering in the saucepan too. Oh damn, does the phone have to ring now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A new beginning..............

Does'nt this happen to all at some point in their lives.............. bored with routine existence, but too scared to upset the set rhythms of daily living, monday to saturday and sunday, week after week and then next year.....
as i grow older, i surprise myself in my reluctance to change....... yet when I am confronted with it, I take to it like a duck to water. All new stages in my life, I have been a bit bewildered, a bit hesitant to accept what comes next, but when it did, and many times unannounced, with no preparation, sure it was not such a big deal.

Work life, marriage, and parenting now............... juggling a myraid of roles and relating - mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, neighbour, yes........it can all co-exist.


Which brings me to the stage in my life which I am currently grappling with. Really, so many people love the concept of living abroad, and make the most of it. I think it is the change that excites them. In my case, it has not been so. First, it was my coming to Belgium in an advanced state of pregnancy (7 months plus), and spending an anxious first month getting my paperwork in order to get myself registered in a hospital. Then from day one that I landed, my husband who was starved of home food wanted me to make up for the last few months by cooking some elaborate Indian meals. Instead of gettting the pampering I deserved, so far away from everything, I was spending long days amongst the empty walls of an apartment, in a small village close to Brussels, unfamiliar sights, strange smells, a different way of living,................ my only company was my unborn baby whose kicks reminded me I wasn't as alone as I thought.

Resilience, my friend. And then you can even make a home on the ice blocks on the Arctic. We discovered that culinary delights of India are not too far away and there are grocery stores - Indian, Paki whatever u call them. My first visit there was like a visit to one of the Wonders of the World. The local GB, ALdi were woefully inadequate to the food habits of an eggetarian Indian. Aata, dal, rajma, kabuli chana, hmm, some of this khada garam masala! look, they have frozen methi too, karela and papads, yum!!!! I think this was my first step towards settling down. Also, the knowledge that the cosmopolitan Brussels, with all its noise and colours, not unlike the Bombay I had left behind is not far, made life here a bit more acceptable.

I'd say a bit, because I still feel that I do not belong. Unlike India, one does not knock on one's neighbours door and stand in the common veranda for a chat. But yes, unlike India, it is expected that you smile and nod at most people you pass by. I don't belong to any formal-informal association. My biggest social visits are to the grocery stores, where I get to practise my French greetings and numbers. Since we don't have a car, these visits are go empty handed with baby and come back laden like a pack-horse, 'coz tomorrow, you never know what the weather is like. I have stayed almost an entire month at home last December. No New Years for me.

And then IKEA, I must admit I have spent hours going through the IKEA catalogue sighing wistfully at stuff I of course would not buy for my temporary residence here, but that which would look so good in the living room or kitchen back home. My all-too-few visits there in Martin's car (my husband's friend who kind of adopted us) were like letting a kid free in a candy shop. Inspite of diligently marking stuff in the catalogue at home, I would stare wild-eyed at stuff here, making my hubby and friend impatient over my ditherings. I also remember, my last visit there before my baby was born, I could hardly walk and I just pointed to the crib i want and spent rest of my time at the cafetaria seeing the world pass by.

Language, the biggest barrier and something I am still trying to overcome. ok, ok, i know vanavond is today, straaks is next, and morgen is tomorrow from TV, but come on 8 months to decipher this basic Flemish is a lot. Not that my French is much better, mind you. The conjugation of avoir and etre is still a code I am trying to crack.

Which of course makes my chances of finding a job here next to impossible. Ca va, bon soir, moi petit fille, and sil vous plaits, don't expect any accents, that stage is far away. but i am working towards it................